I am Daneka and I am 22 years old.
I live in Maine; the forgotten North Eastern state.
I am passionate about music and books.
I made this blog to expose the real me to the world.
To show... the me beyond the crumbling walls.
Through all the crap I go through, I have had one friend who has stood by me, through it all. He won’t ever read this blog; as the only one who really ever will is myself. I felt the need to say something about him as it is his birthday today and I can’t express how grateful I am to have a friend like him. So, this is for you Joey.
For the last 4 years, you have stood by me. Every step in the wrong direction, every stumble, you were there to pick me up, dust me off, and send me on the right path again. You are truly my one and only best friend down to the core. You know me better than any person alive or dead. You know me so well that I don’t have to even speak and you’ll know how I’m feeling or what is on my mind. You have a heart of solid gold that has made you such a strong person even when you don’t feel like it. I’ve watched you fall and I’ve watched you hurt; but through it all I’ve watched you push on, going forward, and not letting anything keep you chained down. Everytime you’ve been hurt, you’ve picked yourself up and kept going. I have always admired that strength in you. You are the kind, easy going, resilient, and strong willed person I have always strived to be; and that I can sit here and say- “that guy is my closest and greatest friend” makes my life seem so much easier to get through. I love you, Joey. Keep shining like that golden heart of yours, for eternity. Happy Birthday!
I’ve come to the realization that hope is pointless. There is literally no reason to hope for anything; big or small. What is the point if hope leads straight to disappointment? I know that if I spoke these words to anyone, the first thing they would do is claim I was wrong and that hope is one of the greatest gifts of life.
I call bullshit.
I speak from my own experiences when I come to this conclusion. I used to hope for everything. For love, for peace of mind, for happiness, for luck… all to what purpose? I’ve received nothing but disappointment and heartache from hoping for something.
What am I supposed to believe in if I can’t even believe in hope?
I am exhausted. I spend every waking moment stretching myself as far as I can reaching for that so called light among the darkness. Again, to what purpose?
I am so tired of all the disappointment and of the sadness building up more and more in the pit of my soul. I can’t rid myself of the ache in my heart knowing that no matter how far I reach, I cannot grasp at the sliver of light that is supposed to save me from the dark spiral downwards.
I have no more strength left in my body to keep going on this endless path. Especially if there isn’t a reason to. Why should I? For all I know the end of the path is nothing more than more pain and misery.
Emptiness; a void that cannot be filled
The secret emotions from her lips have spilled.
All that was known is falling away
As melted candlewax; or winds that sway
the branches while the clouds darken and break.
This heart and soul; shattered pieces for him to take.
Buried deep within sleeps the child;
The dreamer of dreams, innocent and wild.
Who fights the losing battle for what is already lost?
The sacrifice unknown, but with her the cost.
Everything within burns in silent rage
escaping whisps as ink on the tearstained page.
Walls stood firm against the invading evil
The wreckage guarded shall not he reveal.
Standing strong as icy wind trickles
through tiny cracks; against bare flesh it tickles.
Still a slave to childish dreams, she remains,
yearning for warmth and love; to such great pains.
Ashamed; she curses her soul to firey demise.
The walls will crumble should her weakness, he realize.
With one touch, one single brush against her skin;
Doomed she is to her defeat, and he bestowed the final win.
The dreamer’s dreams once locked within stone walls,
crash through to cold vulnerability, as her guard cracks and falls.
~Daneka L. LaPoint
1- I have zero self confidence in myself or my abilities. I never have.
2- The music that I listen to the most; is the music that expresses my inner feelings the most clearly.
3- I have been fighting with depression since I was 13. It is not diagnosed; but I know it is there — It is like the mythical monster under the bed that comes out when you are most vulnerable.
4- I lost my virginity at 13 to my first boyfriend; who was someone that only used me in order to lose his. Why did I make that choice? Because I was lost and looking for who I was. My naive child mind thought that it would help solve that question. I have always regretted it.
5- I have a hard time remembering details of the past. It takes a great deal of effort to remember something that did not leave a scar on my mind, body, or soul.
6- I have dated 13 guys in my entire life. 3 online, 10 from school. How many times was I the one dumped? 12. The 13th is… well, out to jury. I will see how this one goes.
7- I will at random; try to close myself off from the world and spend many nights crying.. for no reason. I contribute this to the depression I continue to battle.
8- I constantly seek approval from other people because I do not know how to define or validate who I am any other way.
9- I’ve only had 2 jobs; 1 was work study. Both, I quit, because I felt like a failure when I could not accomplish something. Whenever I fail at something, whatever confidence in myself I may have gained, is shattered.
10- I am still searching for a reason to be alive. I have not found it yet; but maybe one day I will. Sometimes I get a glimpse of it with JT; and then I remember he is on the other end of the country.. and lose sight of it again.
11- A bonus one. When I am in a relationship, I give 150% of myself to it. I will fight for it as long as I can. Maybe I am like that because I define who I am through others? I do not know.